[Tetracyclone]

On the other hand, enduring trauma or life altering events together can enrich a relationship in ways that give color to an otherwise black and white life.

My relationship is stronger than pre-injury because I don't notice the small flaws anymore. They are sooo small.

This post has been edited by Pwuff: 06 December 2009 - 12:55 AM

[reallynewatthis]

And that Pwuff is what I am hoping for and why I am still here . . .

I found your story very enriching and it gave me a lot of hope. Thank you!

[Maltese Cat]

I also agree that it is much easier to meet SO after the accident.

Not so much from the point of view of the partner, but for the SCI sufferer.

I aggree with Pwuff that a life changing moment can indeed bring people closer together - in the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger way.

I got together with my boyfriend four years after his accident, but had known him (although not closely) for years beforehand. He always says that he is really glad he wasn't with anyone when he had his accident as it was hard enough adjusting to what SCI would do to HIS life, without haveing to deal with what it was doing to someone else's life.

Even now, whenever things are rough or he has health issues, he often pushes me away (less now, used to be much more at beginning of relationship), because, he explained, he had worked out a way of coping, adn it involved shutting others out, and concentrating on himself, and doing lots of meditation and thinking.

I always find it difficult when he does this, but I know that it is his instinctive way of coping - he jsut doesn;t have room to cope with me too.

He has, however, got miles better, and I only really notice it when we are both stressed or down - my instinct is to want to be with him, his is to want to be alone!

[Maltese Cat]

reallynewatthis,

my thoughts are with you, and I am sorry you are having to go through such a rough time.

I realise in my last post I just highlighted the rubbish bits about already being with someone when they are injured. I wanted to add some other points.

My boyfriend (on his good days!) can sometimes be heard to say that he is in a way glad of his accident. It has taught him to stop and realise who he is, and who he would like to be. It has taught him to value things in life he never valued before.

Before his accident he was thirsty for some life-changing event (he thought of people giong off to fight in the world wars), that would overshadow the menial things in life, and teach people what was truly important. He didn't quite expect to get what he was lookign for in such a way! But he knows that he would not be the person he is today if he hadn't had his accident.

I know that I would not have the relationship that I have with him if it had not been for his accident, and I am grateful for the person it has allowed him to become, although still angry at the enormity of what he has been deprived.

O hope that the two of you, one day, will be able to feel similarly.

[sweetlove.09]

yes, I don't think any of us know for sure what we are getting into Ab or Sci? Myself, I appear to be Ab but have several invisible disabilities that I had to share with my boyfriend when we met. I think comparing the two would be apples and oranges for me. I always ask myself does he know what he is getting into? lol

Here is our story (its also posted on my profile) The Mr. and I met in the early 1980’s in grade school post injury, our relationship started off as classmates and as we got older we would cross paths. Flirt a little here and there. We never really started a relationship. Looking back it was probably best! Seeing that our relationships we had actually prepared us for each other. Its funny how these things happen. We reconnected on the web and realized how much we have in common and how we complete one and other. Being the girlfriend of a wonderful man who happens to have a spinal cord injury is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

[The Black Sheep]

I met my husband 9 years after my injury and he was the first person I'd dated since the chair-thing. We met through an online college and for about a year we talked through discussions and eventually on the phone. I didn't tell him about the injury at first, or anyone else I went to school with, because I didn't want it to matter. After about 4 months of all-night phone calls, I told him, and I think it was a bit of a shock. We had been planning to work on a school project in person, where I'd drive out to his house and stay for a week, and being paralyzed kind of changed our plans for where I'd stay. (stairs at his house mainly)

Over the previous 9 years I hadn't dated much and I think a lot of that was because of the chair. I can't get in and out of a house with stairs, have to make sure I can fit into a bathroom, etc. that easily, and I was partly afraid my situation would scare him away. I've been afraid of dating because, even if someone was genuinely interested, I didn't want to make them feel like they were making a huge sacrifice for it. We went through a little bit of an awkward phase, talking about what I could and couldn't do, all the while he'd built a ramp at his parent's house so I could visit. (I didn't know he was building it) We joked about how I'd get up the stairs, with everyone watching, and it took a lot on my own part to finally say "I gotta give this a shot."

Long story short, he flew out here to see me first and stayed at a hotel for 3 days. A week later I drove out to see him and stayed for a week before we decided to move back to my hometown (8 hours east of where he's from) and we haven't let go of each other since.

One thing that I think sets us apart from the rest (or maybe it doesn't) is that we have a little bit of common background. He told me that he'd had a head injury when he was 7, and for the year after that he had to wear a helmet and stay indoors while his skull healed. He missed out on a huge part of his social development, which is why he'd attended an online school, but he could also relate to having a life-altering injury. We're still both fairly independent and our weaknesses compliment each other. He is a very private person, he hates telephones, but he's a very physical, intelligent person. I can't move in snow, up stairs or curbs, but I do most of the social business and errands. So, he picks me up when I can't get up stairs, I call everyone and do the social bit of running our computer business.

Two weird peas in a pod, but... I dunno, it works perfectly. We've been together for 3 years now, and we're coming up on our 1st wedding anniversary this February =)

This post has been edited by The Black Sheep: 28 December 2009 - 11:41 PM

[Scribbler]

The Black Sheep, on Dec 28 2009, 11:36 PM, said:

I met my husband 9 years after my injury and he was the first person I'd dated since the chair-thing. We met through an online college and for about a year we talked through discussions and eventually on the phone. I didn't tell him about the injury at first, or anyone else I went to school with, because I didn't want it to matter. After about 4 months of all-night phone calls, I told him, and I think it was a bit of a shock. We had been planning to work on a school project in person, where I'd drive out to his house and stay for a week, and being paralyzed kind of changed our plans for where I'd stay. (stairs at his house mainly)

Over the previous 9 years I hadn't dated much and I think a lot of that was because of the chair. I can't get in and out of a house with stairs, have to make sure I can fit into a bathroom, etc. that easily, and I was partly afraid my situation would scare him away. I've been afraid of dating because, even if someone was genuinely interested, I didn't want to make them feel like they were making a huge sacrifice for it. We went through a little bit of an awkward phase, talking about what I could and couldn't do, all the while he'd built a ramp at his parent's house so I could visit. (I didn't know he was building it) We joked about how I'd get up the stairs, with everyone watching, and it took a lot on my own part to finally say "I gotta give this a shot."

Long story short, he flew out here to see me first and stayed at a hotel for 3 days. A week later I drove out to see him and stayed for a week before we decided to move back to my hometown (8 hours east of where he's from) and we haven't let go of each other since.

One thing that I think sets us apart from the rest (or maybe it doesn't) is that we have a little bit of common background. He told me that he'd had a head injury when he was 7, and for the year after that he had to wear a helmet and stay indoors while his skull healed. He missed out on a huge part of his social development, which is why he'd attended an online school, but he could also relate to having a life-altering injury. We're still both fairly independent and our weaknesses compliment each other. He is a very private person, he hates telephones, but he's a very physical, intelligent person. I can't move in snow, up stairs or curbs, but I do most of the social business and errands. So, he picks me up when I can't get up stairs, I call everyone and do the social bit of running our computer business.

Two weird peas in a pod, but... I dunno, it works perfectly. We've been together for 3 years now, and we're coming up on our 1st wedding anniversary this February =)

A lovely story Black Sheep, thanks for sharing it. Most couples compliment each other in some way; if we were all the same life would be dull. Good luck for 2010; may you both be together for many more years.

Mike x

[sweetsinner3]

catmint, on Nov 23 2008, 02:28 PM, said:

Hi all

Firstly I don't want to upset anyone and this is my opinion.

When I met my husband he had already been in a chair for many years.We got to know each other, first as friends then things developed and we realised we loved each other. My family were not supportive of my choice. My father wouldn't speak to me for many years and my sister was ok on the surface but had a lot to say privately to me!

Since we have been married for 20 years there is one thing that really gets me going. Thats when, on learning he was SCI when we married people say something like.."well you knew what you were getting into then"..or"well at least you knew what you were taking on"

I notice similar phrases crop up on this site from time to time.

Does any one "know" what they're getting into. For example: a friend of ours married a guy with 3 teenage children..she had none..to cut a long story short the marriage failed. She says she didn't realize what she was taking on. Now you could say that as he already had the teenagers she "knew what she was taking on"

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

I had known my current bf for three years before his accident. We were friends and in a band together. I was with my AB boyfriend at the time of the accident but because of his should i say indifference to what had happened at the time of the incident i became distant with him and we broke up. I watched my friend go through the surgeries, the rehab, UTIs, bowel and bladder accidents and i became closer to him because he felt comfortable sharing all the details and let me in on everything he was going through. This led me to become involved in everything and we didnt want to lose the connection we had made. He made me laugh like no other person and we finally started dating 7 months after his accident. It has been the most amazing relationship ive ever experienced. Beforehand we had been just friends but his accident had brought with it so many strong emotions that it naturally developed into something more. We still ask each other if this accident hadn't of happened would we have ever seen each other in that way? It has been easier for me knowing him before

[Inger]

Russ had been injured for many years before he and I ever met. I don't know if meeting him with a pre-existing injury has made our relationship "easier" -- but I don't think that anything about our relationship has been "hard". The time we've spent together has been the best time of our lives -- and this has been the most satisfying, generally enjoyable relationship I've had with any man, ever. I've provided his care since we became involved, and those aspects of his life have never made me feel uncomfortable or put upon in some way. His physical circumstances don't define him in my mind (or in his, for that matter) -- I fell in love with who the man is, and all of the intangible things about his personality and intellect that have nothing to do with his body. I'm confident that our emotional/intellectual/spiritual bonds are the things that give our relationship its strength today, and will continue to do so as we both (God willing) become elderly together (and I become less and less able-bodied myself).

This post has been edited by Inger: 08 February 2010 - 07:42 PM

[lovemypara]

I met my para 15 years ago. We became friends. My friendship with him grew to deep feelings and one day I decided to tell him how I felt. What a great feeling to know that he felt the same way. We have been dating for 4 years. My first boyfriend was in a chair but regardless of whether I thought I knew what I was getting into or not, I love my boyfriend and having experience with a man in a chair in high school didn't matter. Every one is different. My boyfriend and I are very compassionate, passionate, kind and loving. I never tire of what he can and cannot do. I never see his chair, I never worry about being late because his body malfunctions, mine does too. I would give him my legs to walk if I knew he would take them. Never have we fought, belittled eachother, criticized or complained about what we cannot do together. If he can't enjoy it we find something we can enjoy. He puts up with everything about me because he loves my flaws. I don't see his injury as a flaw, I see it as something that happened to him and I will be there to help him through it. I have never met a man who is more of a man than he. Our physical relationship is better than any I have ever had but it is because we try everything. His body is sensitive in more places than mine. He touches me with his hands as though he is molding my body into perfection. He holds me with perfection and kisses like I have never been kissed. I could go on and on. What I really want to say is that we give eachother every breath we take. We touch with our eyes closed so we can feel. We work through the little things and work together through the big. I am more than willing to rearrange my life to make his life better and worth living. Because his love has brought me back to life and without him I would no longer exist. We are both in our late 40's and our life has just begun. If you ladies or gentlemen have regret about marrying a person in a chair, think about why you fell in love with them and what kind of person it takes to continue on with half of their life taken away and all they did before their injury has changed. Think of the sacrifices they make, the dreams they had that died with their injury, the bravery for facing the rest of the world. They don't need pity or advice or to be put down for what they cannot do. Love them for who they are. My boyfriend is my knight in shinning armor and without him I would literally die. I don't see a man in a chair, I see a man holding himself up the highest he can, I see my hero, my lover, my friend and my life. I allow him his bad days because my bad days need his understanding too. Fortunately since he has been in my life, I don't have bad days.

[leothelion]

hey everybody.

i'm 23, c4/c5. I'm bright, funny, humble and educated. i am hopeful for recovery but i'm scared about a girl loving me. Where should a guy like me venture to find potential love.
I had a g/f shortly after i got injured. She told me she loved me and that she wanted children. The pressure of taking care of me became high. she missed holding hands, and aggressive love behavior. She was only 19 and she remained honest through out our relationship. she is now my best friend and says she cant be without me in her life. she told me that one day she could see herself with me but she doesnt know. i hate that i feel like a plan b. the questions i have, are for couples who started after a sci.

where did you meet

how long did it take you to realize you were in love

any advice

i really am a positive person. i have high goals and i am just new to this (injury-march 15 2009)

This post has been edited by leothelion: 13 March 2010 - 12:10 AM

[ADP-10-08-63]

no but wheni got injured my partner has stood by me through all the up's and down's
and in sickness and health
loved when healthy
loved even now i am still alive
loved even though i am permmanetly wheelchair bound
we both have come to terms with with my codition through excellent and trusting people for who we can both talk to
we both live each and every day as it comes
this has now made us both very stronger
and our marriage has a stronger bond
== love is all around==

[Spinner]

leothelion, I met my man at school (we were both non-traditional students). We had a class together and I knew the minute I saw him that I wanted him. It has been a long and challenging road but I know we are going to make it - we are making it. I guess my point is to live your life. Keep moving forward. Figure out your dreams and follow them. Work to be happy with who you are and the rest will - slowly but surely - fall into place. It may take a while, but there is a woman out there for you, and when you meet and fall in love you will be amazed at how great it really can be. She will love you, SCI and all, I promise.

[leothelion]

Spinner, on Mar 12 2010, 07:56 AM, said:

leothelion, I met my man at school (we were both non-traditional students). We had a class together and I knew the minute I saw him that I wanted him. It has been a long and challenging road but I know we are going to make it - we are making it. I guess my point is to live your life. Keep moving forward. Figure out your dreams and follow them. Work to be happy with who you are and the rest will - slowly but surely - fall into place. It may take a while, but there is a woman out there for you, and when you meet and fall in love you will be amazed at how great it really can be. She will love you, SCI and all, I promise.

thanks, your words meant a lot. i plan to go back to school so........who knows. thanks again

[lissysilver]

I met my husband after he sustained his injury. We met online, and one of the first things he told me was that he was in a wheelchair. My response was "and?" He said he's met a lot of girls who didn't want to date a man in a wheelchair. I thought that was the most shallow thing I've ever heard. My relationships up until that point had been one-sided and completely dysfunctional. It was a pleasure to talk to a man who had the same values, traditions, ambitions,etc. that I did. I fell in love with him over the phone and internet, because of the person he was. When I first visited in person, it was love at first sight, and we had a whirlwind courtship, engagement, and marriage. I moved to England for him!

I remember my Mom saying something deprecating, but that was only initially. My family has been amazing. I have always had a great relationship with my siblings, although they can tend to be a bit brutal at times. They embraced my husband wholeheartedly. My father made adaptations to both his houses for when we come to visit.

It has been quite different, living and being married with a paraplegic man. And although I'm classified as his carer, I try as much as I can to encourage him to be independent. There has definitely been a learning curve. I have to say that we have the same ups and downs as anybody in a relationship, but all I continue to see is this amazing, courageous, warm, loving (as well as stubborn, irritating, irrational, etc) man that I married.

We are about to embark on the biggest adventure yet...starting a family.

[blingless]

I asked my gf and she says it probably was easier that she met me post injury, however, she believes that even if it was harder for her if she met me pre injury, the outcome would have bee the same. She loves her cripple

[cupcake74]

I think it made it easier for me. My partner sustained his injury 11 years ago when he was in his early 20's. I had a crush on him at school from the age of 9 or 10 so maybe I was a bit biased anyway. I would like to think that I would have coped had I been his partner at the time, but I also feel a little selfish being grateful I didn't have to go through it with him. I can't even begin to imagine what his ex wife went through, but I guess their divorce tells me something about that... A lot of his family were under the care of their doctors for depression for a while, but they are all such wonderful positive people, truly an inspiration.
I found him again a couple of years ago on a social networking site (one of the first people I searched for) and when my own divorce began, we starting chatting online. This time last year, I spent a lovely evening in his company, and ended up assisting him after a bowel mishap. It made an unusual first date! It really wasn't a big deal to me at the time, but I was quite impressed with myself afterwards, after years of being told I was useless by my ex... I knew that first date that I wanted to be with him, whatever happened.
Since then I have learnt how to deal with his various needs, and now I think there's nothing I can't do for him - changing his catheter was my biggest worry but I did it and it was ok. He made me feel like it wasn't a big deal and that helped a lot. To know I can help is the best thing ever.
To get to know him properly after all those years and now living with him is great. We will be celebrating our first anniversary next month, and this year has been the happiest of my life so far. I hope for many, many more to come. I will gladly take 'in sickness and in health' because at the end of the day, I love him with all my heart and I know how lucky I am to have him.

lovemypara, on Feb 11 2010, 06:43 AM, said:

I met my para 15 years ago. We became friends. My friendship with him grew to deep feelings and one day I decided to tell him how I felt. What a great feeling to know that he felt the same way. We have been dating for 4 years. My first boyfriend was in a chair but regardless of whether I thought I knew what I was getting into or not, I love my boyfriend and having experience with a man in a chair in high school didn't matter. Every one is different. My boyfriend and I are very compassionate, passionate, kind and loving. I never tire of what he can and cannot do. I never see his chair, I never worry about being late because his body malfunctions, mine does too. I would give him my legs to walk if I knew he would take them. Never have we fought, belittled eachother, criticized or complained about what we cannot do together. If he can't enjoy it we find something we can enjoy. He puts up with everything about me because he loves my flaws. I don't see his injury as a flaw, I see it as something that happened to him and I will be there to help him through it. I have never met a man who is more of a man than he. Our physical relationship is better than any I have ever had but it is because we try everything. His body is sensitive in more places than mine. He touches me with his hands as though he is molding my body into perfection. He holds me with perfection and kisses like I have never been kissed. I could go on and on. What I really want to say is that we give eachother every breath we take. We touch with our eyes closed so we can feel. We work through the little things and work together through the big. I am more than willing to rearrange my life to make his life better and worth living. Because his love has brought me back to life and without him I would no longer exist. We are both in our late 40's and our life has just begun. If you ladies or gentlemen have regret about marrying a person in a chair, think about why you fell in love with them and what kind of person it takes to continue on with half of their life taken away and all they did before their injury has changed. Think of the sacrifices they make, the dreams they had that died with their injury, the bravery for facing the rest of the world. They don't need pity or advice or to be put down for what they cannot do. Love them for who they are. My boyfriend is my knight in shinning armor and without him I would literally die. I don't see a man in a chair, I see a man holding himself up the highest he can, I see my hero, my lover, my friend and my life. I allow him his bad days because my bad days need his understanding too. Fortunately since he has been in my life, I don't have bad days.

That's beautiful and so, so true

[hisamsmith]

Both my husband and I have C-5 incomplete injuries. We meet when I was 14 years post and he was 5 years post. Was either one of us prepared for what we were "in for"? I don't think we were completely. My husband has had repeat problems with pressure sores something I've never had problems with. Plus the logistics of living with 2 quads in the same house is not always easy. But we make it work. Sometimes my husband will comment on something I have just done that he could never do and he calls me "super quad". And there are times he does things I can't do.

I do have to say I probably couldn't have dealt with the SCI if my husband had been AB when I started dating him and then had an accident causing a SCI. The memories of my accident and the months of rehab after would have made it hard to go threw it again with him. I also would have been a hard nosed task master. "I did all of this when I was 6 years old and you don't want to do it. Good god your a grown man buck up!". Not that I would say that unless I was really ticked off but I am sure I won't give my husband as much slack as he says his family gave him. Plus adjusting to having two chairs in the house after having only one would be hard. Espically if my SO had been my career before his accident. So I guess I'm glad I meet my husband after his accident.

[Snakeye]

My wife and I had been together for nearly 29 years when I was injured. Couldn't say if our coping with my sci was easier or not since I have nothing to compare it with....It's been alot of ups and downs over the past three years but when the preacher said "Thru thick and thin" we must have been paying attention cause somehow we found the strength to persevere.............

[MDK]

Sorry, decided not to post my story...

This post has been edited by MDK: 28 May 2010 - 02:23 AM

[DeanS]

I met my wife about 8 years ago, and she already had her T2/3 incomplete injury since she was a toddler. We met via the internet and courted out of curiosity, and worked out we had much in common. We have been happily married since 2006.

Never had a problem with her SCI, just had the initial curiosity of what makes her life a little bit different. Not much really, just the proximity of toilets.

[mellowgator]

i met my husband in march and married him in december. i was injured 2 weeks after our wedding. he stood by me and now 23 years later we have 2 kids and live a good life. i agree if your marriage can survive sci your foundation is rock solid.

mellowgator